The Adventure Of The Empty Freezer.

I awoke from my slumbers feeling very refreshed. I had a very stimulating dream concerning this very buxom wench, but alas, that is a tale for another day. I fully expected to break my fast alone, but much to my astonishment there at the table sat my good friend, Sherlock Holmes. The look on his face was one of absolute distress.

"Good lord, Holmes," I cried. "Whatever is the matter? Are you ill?"

Slowly Holmes raised his head and looked at me. "Good morning, Watson," he mumbled. "I am afraid that I am not at my best this morning.'

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No Watson. There is nothing that is within your powers to rectify this situation."

"Well, then at least tell me what it is all about."

"Very well. As you know, normally I am an early riser. After I have my nourishment I am ready to do battle with the criminal element. This morning as I looked upon the plate Mrs. Hudson sat before I immediately detected something amiss."

"Mrs Hudson. Where are my Eggo's?"

"I am terribly sorry Mr Holmes. They did not have any at the market."

"I did not want to embarrass our landlady. I deduced that she had simply forgot to get them when she did the shopping and used that as an excuse. I took it upon myself to go to the market and make the necessary purchases. As you know, without my Eggo's to start the day my mental processes are diminished."

"I knew that Wiggins, the former head of my Baker Street Irregulars, was a clerk there. I discussed the matter with him and he assured me that there were none to be found. He offered to take me to the back so I could see for myself. After personally observing the baleful looking, Eggo-less freezer, I pondered what could have happened to those wonderful toaster treats. Of course I speculated that Professor Moriarty could be behind this dastardly deed. My next step was to have investigated that angle, but before I left the market that plan changed. There, standing before the display doors, was none other than Colonel Sebastian Moran."

"Holmes. I should have guessed you were behind this outrage. I always knew you were devious but stooping this low? I am appalled. To deprive the Professor of his Eggos is simply going too far."

"Ah, Moran, you misjudge me. I am here inquiring into the same thing."

Without another word Moran stalked out of the market. I asked Wiggens if he knew why there were no Eggo's. He went and got the market manager who explained the situation to me. It seems that are two main factories in the States that manufacture them. One in the state known as Tennessee is putting in new equipment. It is taking them longer to install the machinery than planned. It would not have been a problem except for their factory in the state of Georgia was flooded.

"So Holmes, what are your plans now?"

"Well Watson, I believe I am going to start a study of bees. I have been considering what to do in my latter years and I think that may prove interesting. Now that I know Moriarty is also impaired I can afford the time to rest. Wiggins has assured me that he will call immediately upon the arrival of a new shipment. After that, I will figure out how to bring the Professor down."

Holmes then left the room. I smiled, trying to imagine Holmes as a beekeeper. What a preposterous idea.

The Moriarty Institute.

Welcome class. I am Professor James Moriarty. Here at the Moriarty Institute we are dedicated to make you better criminals. The best way of teaching is to give you examples of what not to do. I want you to pay close attention to these examples so you can avoid these pitfalls.

The first example is to be aware of security cameras. It is always helpful to know where the security cameras are. But keep in mind the cameras are transmitting to a recording device. If you are going to steal the cameras, smile, because you are giving the authorities a perfect picture of your face.

Our second example is if you commit a robbery, leave the area immediately. It is not a good idea to go next door and order a pizza. Even if you are starving, wait.

Finally crime is not a place where you take your daughter to work. If you really decide that is the path for you, see Professor Fagin. If you are going to study under me, that will not be allowed.

Future lessons will be presented by guest lecturers. Remember, if you feel that we have not helped you we will refund your money. Refunds are given the first Sunday of every month at the Reichenbach Falls in Switzerland. There you will get what you have coming to you. Class dismissed.
Winthrop J. Quiggy is a math genius! He was correct, the answer was 120 meters. I knew deca was 10, but I had no idea what hecto represented.

Today's question is Grade 3/World History.

According to legend, what city was founded by the twins Romulus and Remus?

I knew this one, and I will have a little story about it tomorrow. 64-15.

The Retail Beast.

There is a beast that stalks retail stores. At least once a year it invades the stores to make sure all is well. Preparations for the visit are always made, for the beast never comes in unannounced. Everything must be perfect. Nothing can be out of place.

The hourly employees really don't fear the beast. They may be annoyed by his coming because extra work is required, but the beast leaves them alone. Managers on the other hand tremble as the day approaches. They know if the beast is displeased there is a possibility that they will disappear, never to be heard from again. The beast never arrives alone. He has his minions, who scour the store front and back, observing everything, leaving no stone unturned. They observe all and record all, so that they may give their master a full report.

Even the beast has a master. He analyzes all his minions tell him and then he reports. If the beasts master is pleased, all is well for another year. Displeasure, and the beast claims his victims. The name of the beast........is INVENTORY.
Travis was right. Chorus is another name for a refrain.

Today's question is Grade 1/Animal Science.

True or False? All adult kangaroos have pouches.

I knew this one. 57-13.

Beware The Ides Of March.

Today is the Ides of March. Julius Caesar was told to beware of them. Unfortunately he got the point of that message too late. However I believe it is good advice that we should heed today. The Ides of March is very dangerous. Want proof. In 1970 the rock group The Ides of March had a hit song called Vehicle. The song reached number 2 on the Billboard charts. A close examination at the lyrics shows just how dangerous they are.

Well I'm the friendly stranger
In the black sedan
Oh won't you hop inside my car?
Wait a minute. Didn't our parents warn us about getting cars with strangers? Didn't we pass that warning on to our children? Yet here is is someone who is introducing himself as a stranger trying to lure people into his car. This doesn't look good. It gets worse.

I got pictures, got candy, I am a lovable man

Whoa there. Using pictures and candy to lure someone into his care. That makes this man a pedophile. After all pictures and candy will not work on a 30 year old. (Most of the time anyway.) So what else does he have to say for himself?

By now I'm sure you know
That I love ya (love you)
Need ya (need you)
I want to, got to have you child
Great God in heaven, you know I love you

To lure them into the car he claims that he loves them, needs them, has to have them and then tells them I love you. Now this is someone he doesn't know, has never seen before (that we know of. He could also be a stalker.), to whom he is claiming undying devotion to.

Should we beware the Ides of March? You bet. If you ever see that black sedan in your neighborhood, call 911 immediately. Let's get this pervert off the street.
Sorry Travis. Muhammad was born in the city of Mecca.
The weekend question is Grade 4/Health.

What is the name of the hardest tissue in the human body which covers the teeth?

I knew this one. 50-12.

The Court Is In Session.

All rise. The Court Of Public Opinion is now in session. The Honorable Judge Dredd presiding.

What is our first case?

Your honor, we present the husband of Annette Yeomans of Vista, California. Mrs Yeomans is accused of embezzling $9.9 million from Quality Woodworks where she was chief financial officer. She took the money over a six year period from 2001-2007. Because of her actions the company has had to layoff a large number of the staff.

All right counselor. I understand that the wife did bad. So why are we trying the husband?

Your honor, he is accused of no crimes. But we want to know how he is not guilty too. The woman had bought 400 pairs of shoes. She had 160 purses that cost $2000 each. She converted a bedroom into a walk-in closet and installed a chandelier. Did he really have no clue as to what was going on? We find that hard to believe. Your honor, we rest our case.

Of course you realize sir that in The Court Of Public Opinion you have no defense. You are found guilty, if not of involvement of being one of the densest human beings around. Court is in recess.
Jeff was right. Plants make food by photosynthesis. Then again, Jeff should know since he really is a fifth grade teacher.

Today's question is Grade 3/World History.

What were the last words of Julius Caesar?

• A) Veni, vidi, vici.
• B) E pluribus unum.
• C) Et tu, Brute?

I knew this one. 45-12.

Secret Service Seminar.

Gentlemen, today marks a new President who we are sworn to protect. Mistakes have been made in the past and we want to remedy that today. Last year we had a projectile launched at the President while he was in Iraq and I am ashamed to say no one jumped in front of him to deflect it. So today we will be discussing ways to protect the President from thrown shoes.

When scanning the crowd always be alert. Of course you are looking for weapons, but also be on the lookout for anyone carrying their shoes. I realize this can present a problem in Japan, so mainly look for anyone holding their shoes at shoulder level. I realize that shoes are rarely lethal, but in some cases their odor can be overpowering, so you may want to carry a small bottle of foot powder. Now there are several ways to stop the shoe. You macho men can simply jump in front of the President and let the shoe bounce off your chest. For those of you who played football in college you can simply catch it as if it were a pass. Baseball players should be able to use a one hand grab. Whatever way you chose the most important thing is to stop it. Remember, that's your job.

If there are no questions you are dismissed. Oh, before I forget, check the schedule posted on the bulletin board outside. We are having another seminar on defending against rotten vegetables. This is mandatory. You will probably want to wear some old clothes for this.

The picture you see here is an Alaskan malamute. If that looks like a fish to you I recommend you watch Animal Planet more.

Today's question is Grade 4/World Geography.

In terms of area, what is the largest desert in Africa?

Once again I got it right and I am now 11-5.

What Really Happened.

Governor Blagojevich, Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God.

I do.

Alright Governor. I understand you wish to make a statement against your lawyers wishes.

That is correct sir.

I guess that explains why he is sitting under the defense table muttering to himself.

That is correct your honor.

So governor, what do you have to say for yourself?

Your Honor, I stand before you today a victim. Yes a victim of a devious and dastardly plot plotted by that nefarious criminal mastermind, the Joker.

The Joker?

Yes, your Honor, you heard right. As you know a large portion of the film The Dark Knight was filmed in Chicago. One day while the filmmakers were in there I went to my office and found a playing card on my desk, a Joker to be specific. I picked the card up and immediately felt strange. I was infected by Joker venom. Now I realize that Joker venom usually kills whoever comes into contact with it, but I must have been given a new form of it where instead of dying I simply lost control of my actions. I have no memory of anything for over the past year. A short time ago I was given an antidote from someone who claimed to represent the Wayne Foundation.

The Wayne Foundation?

Yes, your honor. The one started by millionaire Bruce Wayne. Anyway, once I was given the antidote my mind cleared immediately. So you see, your honor, I am simply a victim of a plot to embarrass me and the citizens of the great state of Illinois. Now, Your Honor, if you can see fit to dismiss these charges and let me go I will make you my campaign chief for my Presidential bid in 2016.

OK Governor. Let me see if I have this straight. Your were a victim of the Joker and Bruce Wayne saved you. If I dismiss these charges than you will make me your campaign manager for your Presidential bid in 2016. Does that sum it up well?

Your Honor, I am pleased to say you have it.

Governor, if I were to run your campaign I would advise you to select Alicia Silverstone as your Vice President.

Alicia Silverstone? I don't understand, Your Honor.

Well Governor, if you thought I bought any of this story, you really are clueless.